Infidelity is a painful and emotionally tumultuous experience that can shatter the foundations of trust in a relationship. When someone discovers that their partner has cheated on them, it often leads to a whirlwind of emotions, confusion, and self-blame. One common but complex phenomenon is the tendency for individuals to blame themselves when they are cheated on. This article delves into the psychological factors behind this inclination, shedding light on the intricate interplay of emotions, self-esteem, and societal influences that contribute to self-blame.

  1. Self-Esteem and Insecurity

One of the primary reasons people blame themselves for being cheated on is tied to their self-esteem and personal insecurities. Individuals who already struggle with low self-esteem may perceive the act of infidelity as a reflection of their own inadequacy. They might believe that they were not attractive enough, not interesting enough, or not fulfilling their partner’s needs, which ultimately led to the betrayal. In this way, they internalize the infidelity as a direct consequence of their own perceived shortcomings.

  1. Emotional Attachment

Emotional attachment plays a significant role in the self-blame experienced by those who have been cheated on. When someone deeply loves their partner, they tend to form an emotional bond that makes them feel responsible for the relationship’s well-being. As a result, they may question their own actions and behaviors, wondering if they somehow failed to provide the emotional support or intimacy their partner needed, thus justifying the cheating.

  1. Fear of Abandonment

The fear of being abandoned or left alone can be a powerful catalyst for self-blame in infidelity situations. People who have been cheated on may worry that if they confront their partner or hold them accountable for the cheating, it could lead to the end of the relationship. This fear can compel them to internalize the blame, as they believe it’s better to shoulder the guilt than risk being left entirely alone.

  1. Societal Stigma

Society often stigmatizes individuals who have been cheated on, inadvertently contributing to self-blame. Popular culture frequently portrays infidelity as a consequence of a partner’s actions or attributes, which can make the person being cheated on feel as if they failed to meet societal expectations. This stigma can exacerbate self-blame, leading individuals to question their worthiness in the eyes of society.

  1. Lack of Closure

Another factor that can lead to self-blame is the lack of closure in the aftermath of infidelity. When the person who cheated fails to provide a satisfactory explanation or apology, the betrayed individual may be left with unanswered questions. This lack of closure can lead them to internalize the blame, as they grapple with the uncertainty surrounding the reasons behind the infidelity.

  1. Coping Mechanism

Oddly enough, self-blame can serve as a coping mechanism for some individuals. It allows them to maintain a sense of control in a chaotic and distressing situation. By attributing the infidelity to their own actions or inadequacies, they may feel that they can still exert some influence over the relationship, even if it’s in a negative way.


Blaming oneself for being cheated on is a complex psychological phenomenon with multiple underlying factors. Low self-esteem, emotional attachment, fear of abandonment, societal stigma, lack of closure, and even coping mechanisms all contribute to this tendency. It is crucial to recognize that infidelity is a breach of trust that primarily rests on the shoulders of the cheater. To heal and move forward, individuals who have been cheated on must address these feelings of self-blame, seeking support from friends, family, or professional therapists. Understanding the psychological dynamics behind self-blame is a crucial step in the process of healing and rebuilding one’s self-esteem and sense of self-worth after such a painful experience.